5 tips for Pro-Life conversation
By , Published October 9th, 2010

If you follow Live Action’s educational work, you will notice a recurring theme in our approach to the abortion conversation: focus on the humanity of the unborn.  Abortion is wrong because it kills innocent people and killing innocent people is wrong.

I know this simple, underlying fact gets easily lost in the rhetoric, but it is our challenge and our duty as pro-life activists to keep perspective.  I hope to share with you some tips that will help us do that.

Tip 1: Be nice!

Ad hominems, or personal attacks, are not your friend.  Your goal is not to win an argument, but to gain a person.  Don’t be mean about your beliefs; after all, I did not change my position on abortion because someone called me a name.  Personal attacks are intellectually weak.

In this pro-life shindig, I get insulted often, and honestly, it’s ineffective.  Just recently, I was talking to a classmate who called me an anti-choice extremist.  Of everything she said, this is what I remember most.  As people who value humans, we don’t want our listeners to leave feeling insulted.  Even if they call you names, resist the temptation to respond likewise.  Take in mind that sticks and stones can break my bones but ad hominems can never hurt me.

Tip 2: Don’t chase the goose

Don’t let red herrings, or changing the topic, stray you away from the main point of the conversation: that abortion is wrong because it intentionally kills innocent human beings.  Just as I wrote this article I got bamboozled and fell victim to the red herring trap.  Someone I was talking to online said she supported abortion because, although the unborn are definitely living and definitely human, they don’t have a right to life because they’re not persons.  Now, what I should have done, what with all my extensive knowledge and experience (not!), is to have stayed on topic:  “What I hear you saying is that you support a procedure that kills a definitely living and definitely human being.”  What I did instead was get lost in the goose chase trying to explain personhood, which, although obvious to me that every human is a person, is a stickier situation and not as easy to prove.  It’s better to stick with the hard, scientific data.

If they say the world is overpopulated, don’t get into it about how it’s really not.  It doesn’t matter.  We don’t kill humans as population control.  If they say more women will die from back-alley abortions, don’t go into statistics about how it’s not true.  It doesn’t matter.  It is not ok to kill humans just because “it will happen illegally anyway (for more on this topic see my Facebook note Self- Induced Abortions).”

When it comes to the wild goose chase, refuse.  Stay on topic.  Abortion is wrong because it kills innocent people.  Killing innocent people is wrong.  And, as Alex Hitch said to Albert Brennaman when he taught him how to dance, “this is where you live. Right here.  This is home.”

Tip 3: Tact + you= true love

Be tactful.  Don’t start conversations with, “are you pro-life or pro-death?”  This is the same as saying, “I’m ready to attack you if your beliefs are different than mine so put your guard up and don’t hear the heart of what I’m saying.”  We know you’re pro-life.  We know you’re passionate.  Show that passion through respectful, meaningful conversation.

No one is ever going to say, “I’m pro-death, yes.  I’m anxious and open to hear your views on the issue now.”  Nobody is pro-death- with the exception of weird, psychotic killers- and most pro-choicers are not weird psychotic killers.

Avoid such titles and name calling.  They are ad-hominems, and believe it or not, they don’t work to soften people’s hearts about the issue.  Even when using terms like “Planned Deathhood,” “abortion mills,” or (Gosh-forbid) “anti-life,” be wise to note who it is you’re talking to and how effective you will be with your listener.  Even if we feel the terms are true, we want to be discerning that they won’t shut you out entirely because of the offense.  That doesn’t mean don’t speak the truth; it just means use your words wisely.

Tip 4- The truth should be in the pudding (hopefully, sugar-free)

Whoever makes a statement bears the burden of proof.  Right now, I’m having a stimulating conversation with someone who made the statement, “I think bodily autonomy is a condition for personhood.”  I asked her what evidence she had to make her claim (again, foolishly chasing the red herring goose), to which she responded, “What evidence do you have that it’s not?”  She made the ludicrous claim, not me!  Why do I have to prove the obvious?  That’s like somebody saying that the world will end tomorrow by alien invasion.

“What evidence do you have to say this will happen?”

“What evidence do you have to say it won’t?”

I still gave her some of my thoughts about the matter, but I didn’t forget to ask her about hers because she’s the one who made the claim.  Again, the goal is not to make her realize how much smarter and more moral I am than her, but to get her to think about her own beliefs. Perhaps she will find new perspective; perhaps not, but at least the possibility was offered.

Tip 5- Don’t forget to pray, Ray

Most importantly, if you are a believer, pray for your pro-choice listeners. Let the Holy Spirit minister to them about the truth.  Even if you feel like you gave bad points or they stumped you, the goal is for God to speak to them in ways you never could.  Also, praying for those we speak to inspires us to be more loving.

Lastly, I want to hear from you.  Were these tips helpful?  Do you have any questions?  Do you disagree with anything in this or any other Live Action article?  Have you experienced any of the things we talked about here?  Lemme know!

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  • Susan

    Excellent tips!!—and of course there is always: know your stuff, as well–data, scientific facts are easily proven. If they have a belief in error (like, the heart doesn't beat until 8 weeks–know the truth–it is 8 days after conception which is approx 1 week BEFORE the woman misses her period. Encourage exploration of real medical sites like web md or the CDC which will give them the truth, medically–that way they don't have to admit to being convinced by you–the data can convince them

  • Nancyu

    THESE ARE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE DEVASTATINGLY BAD BAD TIPS!!!

    The BS starts with "Be Nice" Would you want people to "be nice" if you were the one slated for slaughter in the AM?

    37 years later, the time to "be nice" has passed. It is time to stand up and defend persons in the womb, and insist on our God given right to do so.

    The BS goes on and gets worse when it suggests that the personhood argument is a red herring, that gets you "stuck"

    The personhood of the child in the womb is KEY to ending abortion!!!!!!!!!!

    PERSONS are entitled to equal protection of our laws according to Section 1; 14th amendment to The Constitution of The United States of America. — Not "humans" not "people" not " human beings" not "babies" ~~~~PERSONS~~~~~

    THE CHILD IN THE WOMB IS A PERSON.

    If that gives you trouble it shouldn't!!! If someone argues that the child is not a person, ask them to prove their own personhood~ If that child is not a person, neither am I, neither are you.

    This is not a matter or opinion, it's not a philosophical debate

    ~~~~~~~ IT IS THE TRUTH.~~~~~~~~~~

    And the lives of these children depend on us to tell it!

  • Joe Bruce

    Excellent article – thank you. I have heard most of these before but I need to be reminded and i think we all do. I think getting in the habit of sticking with these relatively simple tips would help me grow in the spirituality of pro-life and avoid falling into uncharitable sin by allowing my passion and emotions to get out of hand.

    I've been blessed to know quite a number of actively pro-Life people who follow the principles you talk about very naturally. And even just watching THEM follow the tips you gave has given me confidence and builds me up because it shows that our Christian faith goes hand-in-hand with observable reality and what is really good and right.

    The pro-abortion-choice viewpoint does not really make sense, but as i read your article i was reminded that, rather than trying to force people who disagree to accept facts, it is usually better to be patient and ask well-formed questions so that those on the other side have to think about what they are saying and perhaps by God's grace then come to pro-Life conclusions themselves.

    I believe people sometimes do not want to face facts, and if they do not want to face facts you cannot really force them. But you can share the truth, share your feelings and beliefs using "I" statements, and present them in a logical way so that the other person will reflect on it later and by God's grace see the sense in it and perhaps see the contradictions in their own views.

    That's quite a long comment but i wanted to thank you. God bless you guys – you are doing great work.

  • Paula

    These are very good reminders. I appreciate how you note that you too drop the ball on this. It is very true about the prayer point for God knows everyone's hearts, and the evil one does not. However the evil one knows what will distract us. Prayer helps us keep on God's track and not be distracted. Who knows, a point that seems so ineffective at the time of the interaction may be a seed planted that another waters a couple of years down the line.

    Thank you for these reminders.

  • Michelle

    Susan- Yes, we should know the facts, but embryology textbooks cite that the human heart starts beating between 18 and 21 days after fertilisation, though the 18 day citation is from 30+ yrs ago. Most settle on 19-21 days, not 8. The heart starts beating about a week AFTER the woman's period was due, not before.

    Nancyu- Wow, take a breath!!! Ana is your sister in this fight for life!! I believe Ana is talking about situations where you would be debating the life issue with people not imminently and immediately involved in an abortion decision. Her tips are excellent- we need to win hearts and minds, one person at a time. If you win the argument, but lose a friend (and thus ultimately lose the argument, because you have lost all credibility in that person's eyes,) what have you accomplished? We are not involved in the pro-life movement to make ourselves feel better. Speak the truth in love always. BTW- the personhood issue is almost exclusively an American argument. Many countries with legalised, government funded abortion have very different laws and structures regarding the rights of born and unborn people. The commonality is that everywhere, abortion kills an innocent human being. We have to keep hammering that home.

  • Nancyu

    Michelle, I did in fact take a breath, I went to bed early last night because I feared I would go through my roof if I didn't calm down. But alas, this morning my blood pressure remains high over these tips — especially tip # 2. ( If you feel like "being nice" while innocents are being slaughtered more power to you. I am not that strong.)

    But tip # 2 has to go. It must be made clear that it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to state without hesitation that the child in the womb IS a PERSON.

    Some people have trouble when this, and they have to get over it. The truth that the child is a person is what makes abortion illegal. That happens to be what I am fighting for. We shouldn't have to be defending one child at a time, they ALL should be protected by laws.

  • Nancyu

    Ana, I hope you'll accept my apology for the "BS" bit. You're right, there were better ways to express myself. Sometimes when you're seeing red that is much easier said than done.

    Tip # 5 is brilliant, and there is NO BS there at all:

    "Tip 5- Don’t forget to pray, Ray

    Most importantly, if you are a believer, pray for your pro-choice listeners. Let the Holy Spirit minister to them about the truth. Even if you feel like you gave bad points or they stumped you, the goal is for God to speak to them in ways you never could. Also, praying for those we speak to inspires us to be more loving."

    Absolute truth! Thank you Ana.

  • Susu

    Thanks for the reminders. All in all we do have to represent Christ, in what we say an do.

  • Nancyu

    Susu, let's not try to be nicer than He would be okay….I don't think He would smile on people advocating the murder of innocent children.

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  • http://www.becomeorganized.wordpress.com Patricia Mikkelson

    Thanks for the tips. As a practitioner and student of Nonviolent Communication http://www.cnvc.org as taught by Marshall Rosenberg for the past 21 years, I have concluded that the best way to inspire people to hear my view is to first listen to them.

    I have had some phenomenal facebook conversations with pro-choice people with the help of other pro-life folks–where at first people are pretty defensive but then soften and become more vulnerable as they are heard and treated with respect.

    I would like to see more public dialogues about this topic using similar techniques, and have made a proposal to our local 40 days for life group to see if we can do such a thing.

    thanks for all you do. I am sharing your information with my 21 year old son and 14 year old daughter who are both passionately pro-life and now getting more active. I'm sure you will be inspiring to them.

  • David McBane

    Great advice Ana! Sugar-free for me only if it's GMO though! haha

  • http://www.sherryantonettiwrites.blogspot.com Sherry

    I think people are confusing be Nice with be milktoast. Witnessing to life takes incredible courage, and trying to get people to change their hearts is not done with a blunt instrument or a broad brush. Manners, politeness is not a mask for passion, it reveals maturity, the capacity to see the humanity even in one's adversary, something witnessing to the value of the lives of the unborn is by it's nature trying to teach. People will be forced to think about the reality if they cannot discredit the messenger; name calling automatically allows the listener to discredit whatever comes next as self justification for the attempt to be powerful, clever and snarky. If we hurl insults, if we respond with ad hominen attacks because we can't control our tempers (and yes, lives are on the line, but even more importantly, souls), we lose more than the arguement, we lose the chance of being heard.

    These are good tips. These are useful for addressing the reality that while you may not save the child that is aborted, you may by your witness, save the soul of the person you speak to and bring from being pro allowing for abortion, to being pro-life, and she/he in turn, may bring far more than yelling or insults or the smug satisfaction of righteous wrath.

  • Kaitee

    Thank you so much for this great post! I usually try to avoid conversations like this: abortion horrifies me so much that I put pressure on myself to "win" each argument and make myself flustered–and then I often become confrontational and judgmental, which of course just justifies the pro-choice person's beliefs that we pro-lifers are an uncaring bunch who just want to control women regardless of their situations. It's a great reminder that it's not up to me to change the pro-choicers' views: it's up to the Holy Spirit to work on their hearts, and I'm just there to start the conversation (and "grease the wheel" with a little love). After all, most people are pro-choice not because they hate babies, but because they're trying to be loving toward women and manage to convince themselves that women's "needs" trump all. We're not going to change their minds about that by anything but prayer and calm conversation. I'm so inspired by this post that I'm not going to shy away from these types of conversation in the future–bring them on! May God bless you and all pro-life work!!!

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  • http://remnantofremnant.blogspot.com priest's wife

    Nancyu- maybe a better tip would be to listen to the Holy Spirit- you seem to feel called to being really out there and hard core- and God might put you with someone that needs that. I think in general, these tips are really good, but you might feel differently and God will work with your talents.

  • will robinson

    Your pro-life stance would be more effective if you left Christianity out of it. As a Christian, you must believe in original sin and therefor, no one is innocent. Also,do you believe that aborted babies go to heaven or hell? If it's heaven, what's so bad about sending 'em back to the good lord?

  • Ana Benderas

    Mr. Will Robinson,

    I love the magnificent questions you present. If we are to assume that babies are better off getting aborted because they will go straight to heaven, that same logic would compell us to kill all babies including infants and young children, for the same reason. This is flawed logic because if God (again from a Christian perspective) created them and allowed them to be alive, it is because he wanted them to live, and we cannot play at God and decide they're better off dead.

    With that logic we would also kill Christians because they too are going to Heaven.

    In this article I did not use Christianity to support my prolife views. I merely offered the idea of prayer to those who already are Christians.

    However, if Christianity is not true, and there is no God, and all morality comes from humans, I wouldn't see anything wrong with abortion as long as it's MY morality that i make up. So in a sense, my pro-life views are tied to the fact that I believe in God.

    What are your thoughts?

  • Nancyu

    priest's wife, You could not be more wrong about me. I have no desire to be "out there" or "hard core" But what we are up against IS hard core, and I desperately want the truth to be "out there" that the child in the womb is a PERSON; and for everyone who is pro life to understand the utter importance of repeating, and insisting on this truth, even if it may be difficult.

  • http://someparade.blogspot.com Juliette Faraone

    This is perfect. Judgment and condemnation never work. If we are to succeed at enlightening anyone at all, we must use education and love.

  • http://prolifeprologic.wordpress.com Russ Neglia

    Excellent! Always ask for clarification from the pro-choice person. I like what Greg Kokul calls the "Colombo method," meaning that you draw the person by asking questions to determine how and why they believe what they believe. Great going Ana.

  • TJ Cusack

    Ana,

    It is very common for pro-choice advocates to bring up the issue of rape as a justification to abort. What would you say is the most effective way to approach this subject matter? I usually mention that this is a very low statistic of 1% (or less) and discuss the psychological implications on the woman during post-abortive stages.

  • Ana Benderas

    Hey TJ,

    This is a good question. Scott Klussendorff uses a method he pinned as "trod out the toddler." This means that when prochoicers forget that the unborn are humans, we apply their same argument to a toddler whom they already see as a human. The idea in any prolife argument is to try to show the humanity of the unborn.

    If a mother has a toddler that she chose to give life to, but then she changed her mind about him once he was three years old (perhaps she realized it was harder than she thought) does she have the moral right to kill him at three years old?

    That's different, they will say. So we ask them how. Why is it wrong for her to have him killed at three but not wrong to kill him in the womb?

    What you have done now is taken the conversation out of the "rape" subject and back into the main point of the abortion debate: that killing humans is wrong and that abortion is wrong because it does just that.

    Ignacio Reyes, our Live Action Bay Area director, uses a funny tactic. He asks if the pro-choicer believes in giving the child the death penalty for the crime of his father. You can watch him do it in this video:

    http://liveaction.org/perspectives/11.htm

  • Ana Benderas

    I forgot to mention that if you are going to use this tactic of trodding out the toddler, you should have your evidence ready to show that the unborn are living human beings (yes, it's sad that we have to do this, but we do have to do it).

  • http://www.created4life.org Sue

    Thanks Ana. Excellent comments. We use a small display table in public places, showing foetal models and photos of the baby in the womb (see website http://www.created4life.org). The way you have described is just how we have to be if we are to successfully influence people to understanding the humanity of the unborn. How easy it is to be drawn away by red herrings!

  • Theresa

    I think what you're doing is great! I volunteer at a Pregnancy Center (which is within walking distance of a Planned Parenthood) and being able to communicate with young woman is vital to them understanding the information that we provide to them. And I've given your website link to many and feel confident that it will be helpful to them.

    We're supporters of your efforts and appreciate all that you bring to our society. God Bless you!

  • Tae Richmond-Moll

    Ana, these are wonderful tips. I am really glad that you could write this post to remind people to show love to those who oppose the unborn's right to life. Though God is wholly just and despises evil, He is also the God of perfect love. He sent His Son to show love, not to win an argument. Thanks again.

  • Dan

    Loved it! Keep up the great work!