The idiotic blog Jezebel is a Gawker-powered hipster-feminist look at celebrities, gossip, sex, and politics. They want you to know they’ve had it up to here with your patriarchal rules, and they’re going to show you with their liberal use of the F-word and refreshing disregard for facts.
“The Year In Your Uterus,” a feature written by Erin Gloria Ryan, kicks off the first sentence with a swear word, to show you she is cool and snarky, and then jumps right into lying in the second paragraph. Here we go:
A strange and terrible group took interest in your uterus this year. They call themselves Personhood USA, and they want to redefine “person” to include all human tissue, starting at the moment of conception. Mass legal acceptance of this scientifically inaccurate principle would make it completely illegal for anyone to have an abortion, receive many forms of IVF, or take the morning after pill on account of the fact that, according to magic, a fetus becomes a grown ass human being at the moment the sperm decides it is.
Untruth #1: No one is suggesting that all “human tissue” is a person. This is a stupid argument I hear all the time. “Well, okay, if an embryo is a human than I guess an ear or a nose is a human, too, huh?” No, genius. An embryo is a human because it is a whole, entire, separate human person. An ear and a nose are a piece of a human. I know it’s hard to wrap your tiny brain around the concept that an embryo is a human because it is really, really small, but we all start out that way. Infants are really small, too, compared to full-grown people. In our earliest stages of development, we are microscopic. In the immortal words of comedian Bruce McCulloch when pointing out The Doors had no bassist: “Don’t let that scare you. Let it free you.”
Moving swiftly along to Untruth #2, Ryan goes on to claim that what I just said above — basically, that conception creates a new human life — is “scientifically inaccurate.”
It’s interesting to me that people still make this argument, the way rotting meat is interesting and you want to poke it with a stick and see what crawls out. In other words, interesting, but kind of disgusting, and totally useless. Click on this word right here and you will be taken to a website where a lot of doctors and scientists say life begins at conception. I know it’s a hard decision to make — whether to believe the scientific claims of ob-gyns and embryologists or a blogger for a magazine named after history’s most notorious hussy — but look deep in your heart and I know you’ll choose wisely.
I really, really like Untruth #3, the part where she says “according to magic, the fetus becomes a grown-ass human being the moment the sperm decides it is.” This sentence is so… It’s so delightfully stupid and full of utter bull crap that I had to slow down and read it again, smiling. She gets you right off with “according to magic.” Her flippancy is intoxicating. It’s like a John Stewart smirk. You want to agree with whatever she’s about to say because you know it’s going to be so droll. Then she says, “… the fetus becomes a grown-ass human being…” Well, see, the problem is, nobody’s saying that. We’re just saying that, according to magic — oops, I mean science! — the embryo is a human being. It is not “grown-ass.” It cannot do all the things femihipsters do, like drive Jettas and shop at Urban Outfitters, but it is, without doubt, a human.
“The moment the sperm decides it is…” This part is weird and makes no sense and I still have a great deal of silly material left to cover so I am going to skip over it, but just please note how dumb that sentence fragment is.
The next dishonest piece of nonsense in Ryan’s article is a paragraph that begins, “Are you poor? F— you.” And goes on to describe how defunding Planned Parenthood is Phase One of a nefarious right-wing religious anti-choice plot to leave all poor women dying on dirty sidewalks of cervical cancer and unplanned pregnancies. Several states, in fact, are in on the scheme and have “defunded or attempted to defund the organization that provides low-cost health care to women this year, on the grounds that the mostly male lawmakers in Washington think taxpayers don’t want to pay for your lazy welfare queen uterus.”
Ms. Ryan is angry because some of us don’t feel we should be forced to pay for other people’s abortions, 99% of which resulted from a consensual sex act, or even for free or cheap birth control so that people can continue having sex. Your sex life is not a right I am prepared to pay for. If you want to have non-procreative sex, fine, free country. Pay for it yourself. At the risk of being accused of “slut shaming,” I don’t see anything that compels me to subsidize your sex life or anyone else’s. And if you have one of those “Holy crap, how did I get pregnant? I am merely a fertile woman having sex with a fertile male!” moments, forgive me if I don’t intend to see one penny of my money go to kill your baby.
As for the argument that Planned Parenthood is the only place where poor women can go for health care, first, that’s not true, and second, I don’t care if they provide free car washes for senior citizens every Friday. They are responsible for more U.S. abortions than anyone else, so they don’t deserve my money.
That’s not all the outrage to be found in “The Year In Your Uterus,” but I think I hit the high points.
When you see how the truth is distorted, sprinkled with clever sayings, and served up with snark in popular culture, you start to understand how so many people have no idea what the abortion industry really is and what it does.