“There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint upon this world.” – A. A. Milne
Finals week: 2014, I took a different kind of test. The results: Positive.
My mind was filled with shame, guilt, fear, and absolute panic. I had just turned 19, and my mind – as well as the world around me – screamed that I wasn’t ready for this. Many people advised me to get an abortion, saying it was “the best for everyone.” However, on December 9th, my life and whole world as I knew it, changed. On that day, I went to Wish Medical and saw my sweet baby for the first time. A little thing smaller than a sesame seed, its tiny heart beating wildly.
In that moment I saw God for the first time. In a single instant, all my fears, worries, guilt, and shame faded away – replaced with pure joy, excitement, and humble awe.
A few days later I scrapped up the courage to tell my family. Slowly, day by day they helped me seek forgiveness for my mistakes. They encouraged me to look forward to the future, and become the best possible mother I could be. They picked me up and pushed me forward – supporting me and helping me see what a blessing my baby could be. Although hurting over my choices that led to the pregnancy, we all started to fall in love with my little “Rory.”
On March 6, 2015, my sister, my mom, and I went in for my 20-week ultrasound and gender reveal. We were so excited! The sonographer gelled me up and announced that I was having a baby boy! Sweet baby, Roric William!
However… after a pause, the sonographer reluctantly told us that my perfect little boy had a very serious birth defect called anencephaly. Incurable and terminal, babies born with it are known to not survive more than a few minutes. They are supposedly born blind, deaf, and “brain dead.”
Every day afterward I prayed to God, that if He was willing, He would heal my baby boy. If not, I prayed that my family and I would get to experience a few days, hours, or even minutes, of holding Rory in our arms. I refused to abort the little hope I had for his tiny life, and decided to try my best to cherish every single moment – every kick and flutter.
Fearfully excited, I awaited the day I got to hold him in my arms, kiss him, love him, and sing to him as God took him to heaven.
On July 21, at 7:53 AM, my Rory was born via C-section. Defying all odds, he gave us two precious days and twelve minutes. In that amount of time, Rory managed to teach me things that no one else could have.
It’s amazing how differently you view love after having a child. How your perception of what’s important in life transforms. I don’t know if you can really understand love until you’re willing to do absolutely anything for someone who you knew, but hadn’t met for nine months – getting to know him before birth – the way he moves, breathes, and the sound of his heartbeat.
Never have I wanted to freeze time. All I needed in this world was Rory in my arms. I could have stayed there for an eternity.
My warmth – his skin, my sustenance – his smile. No need for sleep; no care for the world outside the little room and the precious bundle in my arms. I wished I could take his place. I wanted nothing more than to save him. Unable to, I only wished him absolute peace.
I am so thankful that my tiny boy only knew unconditional love in this world. He never felt pain or fear; was never bullied; he never had his heart broken. I am so incredibly lucky to have him. The little infinity he gave me is irreplaceable.
I regret many of the mistakes that took me down this road, but I do not regret a single moment of his life, inside the womb and out, because he was there with me for every step – every hurt – every cry. Someone so small taught me so much and helped me grow up more than I could have ever imagined.
As parents, we are supposed to be the ones teaching our children, yet Rory managed to teach me in a few days what no one else could have in an entire lifetime. At the end of the day I look back and think, “How lucky am I to have someone that makes saying goodbye so hard.” – A.A. Milne
“For I know the plans I have for you…They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11-13
