My Darling Lily,
When I first discovered that you were growing within me, I was terrified. So much so that I scheduled an abortion to terminate your life. I was only 19, unmarried, feeling alone and ashamed. I didn’t want anyone to know you ever existed.
However, Jesus was fighting mightily for both you and me. He supernaturally intervened, showing me that if I chose to end your life with an abortion, I couldn’t imagine the pain and darkness that would follow. But if I embraced your LIFE, I couldn’t begin to imagine the beauty that He would bring…
Instead of walking through those clinic doors, I chose to walk into Jesus’s light towards freedom. It was as if the reasoning for abortion fell away once I knew that God would be guiding me every step of my difficult journey. I was at peace knowing I was making the right choice, that of embracing your God-given life. Our Heavenly Father clearly showed me what a gift your life would be to me forever. I went from viewing you as a burden to loving you more than I knew I could ever love anyone…as my belly grew, so did my love for you, little one.
Early in my pregnancy, God revealed to me that you were my little girl…and your name was to be Lily Katherine. At the time, I had no idea that both names mean “pure and innocent.” God intended for you to be a symbol of my renewed purity and redemption in Christ.
March 16, 2010 – the day of your birth – was supposed to be full of joy and happy tears. Unbeknownst to your loving, expectant family, God’s gracious plan was different. You see, that morning, I was told your perfect little heart was no longer beating. I waited to deliver your precious body on earth, as you awaited me, already in the Kingdom of Heaven. I will forever cherish that sacred time with you, the only time we will ever share on Earth. How exceedingly painful it was knowing those fleeting hugs and kisses would have to last a lifetime. Never once would I gaze into your adoring eyes, never again would I hold you or kiss your soft cheek. My little blessing from Heaven, blue skies turned to gray when you slipped away.
On the day your tiny body was buried in our beloved Virginia, I left a piece of my heart in the ground with you. After we sprinkled your miniature coffin with tears, and rose and lily petals, I had to walk away without you protectively nestled in my empty, aching arms. It was the most painful challenge I’ve ever endured, and certainly one not natural for any twenty-year-old to experience.
Now, the only motherhood I know is mothering a grave…a legacy. Oh, but what a beautiful legacy it is…
Even though you never spoke a word…never took a single breath, my entire life, both here and into Eternity, has been radically transformed thanks to you. I was in a deep pit of destruction and despair with no way of escape…until God used you to break my chains of sin and rebellion. Because of you, dear girl, I turned from my sin and brokenness and returned to the Savior of my soul. He rescued me through you. At the same time He saved your life from abortion, He used your brief but valuable life to save me from eternal death. With my entire being, I thank you, darling.
My sweet girl, who only ever lived within my womb, God is speaking through you, proclaiming how precious and valuable each individual life is. He has a plan and purpose for every life created in His image. My life now has a passion and purpose that would not have been discovered had you not lived. The Lord can take our deepest sorrow and sin and weave them together into a beautiful tribute for our good and His glory! Due to your treasured life, God restored family relationships and friendships. An abundance of flowers has blossomed in many lives because of you, my little flower.
Though you whispered goodbye before I could say hello, I want mommies who are on a lonely path similar to mine to realize because of you that if they embrace LIFE – no matter the outcome – it is the right choice. I will never regret choosing life, even if I had known from the beginning that I would lose you before you breathed your first breath. I shudder to think where my life would be today if it weren’t for you. You accomplished more in your brief time on Earth than many do in a lengthy lifetime. The purpose of each life is not ours to decide – it is determined by God alone.
Your legacy will never be forgotten. YOU will never be forgotten, precious Lily. You will never be tainted by the corruption in this world or marred by suffering and sin. You will never be faced with the opportunity to reject beloved Jesus. You will forever be pure and innocent, just like your name. I am proud to call you my child, proud that God chose me to carry you – a set-apart princess for Him. It is one of the greatest honors of my life, to have been chosen to mother your legacy.
I’m on a lifelong journey of learning what it means to be your mommy, which is challenging to do from Earth, my daughter of Heaven. This I know: I promise to always be your voice and to honor you in any way I can for as long as I live. Your heart beats with every beat of my own, and you will live on through me until I breathe my last breath…even then your legacy will remain. Your legacy of how Jesus brings beauty from ashes, how He’s in the business of completely restoring and redeeming lives.
No matter how many children I may have in the future, you will forever remain my first-born babe…please know that nobody could ever take your place. There’s a special spot in my heart that will always be yours alone. You are forever woven into the fabric of my heart.
I have assurance that I will find you waiting for me at the gates of Heaven. On that day, our Jesus will place you in my arms of love where I will eagerly snuggle you to my nurturing mother’s heart, sing to you, and smell your sweet baby smell, as I gaze deeply into your lovely blue eyes. Until then, I know you are in His perfect care. Until then, I will cling to the One who holds the world in His hands. Thank you for changing my life.
I will never forget you little one, my precious angel, of whom the world was not worthy,
Mommy
