She had just graduated from high school and was visiting family in another town for the summer when LaToya Mathews met an older man with whom she began an intimate relationship. After learning she was pregnant, she underwent an abortion and was plagued by guilt and remorse.
Mathews told Live Action News, “When it was confirmed by the nurse that I was indeed pregnant, I just zoned out, I was so shocked. I didn’t know if my boyfriend would marry me, and I didn’t have a great relationship with my mother so I wondered who would help me.”
The uncertainty about the relationship with her boyfriend and the fear she’d end up on welfare was concerning, but it was the two scholarships for tennis and basketball she had been awarded that were the biggest source of conflict for Mathews.
“I had just transferred to a new high school that year and was not expecting to be awarded a scholarship, much less two,” Mathews said. “How could I not take advantage of that? Given all these factors, I thought about having an abortion.”
The instant guilt of abortion
She made the appointment, but didn’t know what to expect; she never imagined herself in this situation and hung her head in shame as she waited.
Mathews said, “Somewhere inside of me I didn’t feel good about what I was doing. Lying on the table, I noticed jars on the shelves and upon hearing the whine of the suction machine, wondered if my baby would be put in one of the jars.”
Later, as she sat in the truck with her boyfriend, she noticed a growing awkwardness between them. Mathews sensed that, since he had grown up in a Christian household, her partner knew what they had done was wrong. Back at her aunt’s house, Mathews sat forlornly on the bed and sobbed.
“I agonized over what I had done,” Mathews said. “My boyfriend called and came to pick me up. I wept on his shoulder as he held me.”
For 10 years, Mathews uttered the same plea every night: “Lord, please forgive me for what I have done,” as she battled suicidal thoughts and a sharp pain in her stomach that came and went.
Mathews said, “I was so disgusted with myself that every time I looked into the mirror, tears would come. The guilt threatened to eat me alive.”
A second pregnancy spurs a pro-life decision
While Mathews had just been baptized in May, the same month she’d gotten pregnant, she hadn’t truly built a relationship with Christ. After relocating to another state a year later, Mathews discovered she was pregnant again.
“There was no way that this time I was going to abort my baby,” Mathews said. “I was not going to go through that hell again.”
READ: UK model Lisa Snowdon claims she doesn’t regret past abortion… but says ‘you never forget’
She married the man who fathered her two babies and began focusing on living a Christ-centered life. She took a job in banking and as she shared the news of her impending motherhood with a co-worker, she felt the crushing weight of guilt.
Mathews said, “I broke down in front of my colleague, telling her I didn’t know how I could have another child when I gave up the other. I hadn’t yet fully dealt with my abortion.”
When her daughter was born, Mathews’ mother came to help. Struggling with postpartum depression and the lingering shame of her abortion, Mathews believed her baby sensed her stress.
“My daughter would cry whenever I held her,” Mathews said. “One day when my husband was out of town, I called him and told him our baby didn’t love me. It was a silly comment, but I was suffering so much inside.”
Healing from the pain of abortion
She was thrown a lifeline when her pastor presented the book, “True Measure of a Woman” by Lisa Bevere, to the women’s ministry in which Mathews was involved. In chapter two of the book, two questions resonated with Mathews: “What do you have in your closet that you need to clean out?” and “What do you have of value to give?”
Mathews said, “I realized that I had so much anger and depression I needed to clean out. But I also felt that I didn’t have much to give. I asked God why He would create me with no purpose or value.”
The exercise prompted Mathews to reveal her past abortion to her pastor. He told Mathews God had forgiven her the first time she had prayed.
“It was as if I was set free,” Mathews said. “The stabbing pain in my stomach that had plagued me on and off for years was suddenly gone when I finally accepted God’s free gift of forgiveness.”
As she drew closer to God, she knew it was time to let go of her secret shame. Yet when she first shared her testimony at a women’s conference, she quickly ran out of the room as if she had opened Pandora’s box.
Mathews said, “Surprisingly, I was approached by women who thanked me for telling my story. Many, like me, had been suffering in silence, not talking publicly about their misery; now, they were inspired to be more open. Their gratitude was confirmation that I did have value.”
Today, Mathews offers support to women who have experienced trauma through abortion or sexual assault via online sessions and women’s retreats. She is working on her memoir, “Unveiled Freedom” to help empower other women with histories like hers.
“I’ve done a lot of inner work,” Mathews said. “It’s been hard but necessary. Shame grows in darkness but helping others to know there is healing after abortion gives you strength. Women need to be given permission to grieve and to understand God’s love is ever-present despite our failings.”
