Three gay men in a relationship have adopted one child and have another on the way via surrogacy. They are now speaking about the whopping costs they’ve incurred making their children: over $170,000.
In an interview with Insider, the self-described “throuple” — Mitch Rolam, Benjamin Rolam, and Ben Rodriguez Rolam — said the three of them were “ceremoniously married” in 2019, and live together in Los Angeles. They adopted Tegan in 2022, and have hired a surrogate, who is expected to deliver a baby in December of this year.
“The whole adoption process, from start to finish, took us four years. And that all adds up to over $48,000,” they said. “With surrogacy, which we also started pursuing around the same time in 2019, it cost us $86,000 for five embryo transfers with the first agency we used. None of the transfers were successful. And the second agency we used cost us at least $110,000. Thankfully, Mitch’s company covered $70,000.”
They added, “All in all, that’s over $170,000 we’ve spent out of pocket so far. We’ve been keeping track for tax purposes. These costs don’t even include the cost of travel for adoption and surrogacy. It also does not include the amount we’re still expecting to pay in agency and attorney fees in December for our second child.”
The “throuple” further explained that they originally planned to pursue adoption for all of their children, but changed their mind because it was emotionally difficult for them.
READ: Donor-conceived man: Donor conception is a ‘no win situation’ for a child
“We met dozens of mothers, and we had to commit a lot of effort and time into creating relationships with someone who’s probably not going to call you back the next week, all while explaining to them why we would be the best parents,” they said. “And we had multiple failed adoptions before Tegan, where we went in and held the baby, flying across the country to do so, thinking we’re having a baby now, only to be told: ‘No, we’re not going to pick you.’ It was so emotionally draining.”
Instead, they pursued surrogacy, trading a child’s emotional turmoil so it would be less emotionally difficult for them.
Donor-conceived children have increasingly spoken out about how it affects them, including Olivia, who pointed out that, no matter how much someone wants a child, it doesn’t mean they are owed one.
“Having a child is not a right. It’s not because you’re infertile that you have to have a child. It’s not because you’re homosexual that you have to have a child,” she said. “It’s not a given right for you to have a child. For them and for infertile couples, surrogacy shouldn’t even be an option. A child isn’t a right. Children have rights, but we have no right to children. Ever.”
Throughout the fertility process, especially with surrogacy, children are treated not as human beings, but as commodities. Furthermore, surrogates are often exploited and taken advantage of; they are most often low-income women who see an opportunity to earn a large amount of money for something seen as a social good: carrying a child for someone else. Yet the very notion of a wealthy person renting a poor person’s body to create children for them should be horrifying (a real-life “Handmaid’s Tale”). The ethical issues are often ignored so the desires of adults can be fulfilled.
