I was married when I learned I was pregnant. I had become unhappy in my marriage after a short time, but to my own detriment, I was too independent and strong willed to try and work things out. I had closed my mind to the relationship and stubbornly held to that plan.
I didn’t want to confide in anyone, but there was one so-called friend who, seeing my unhappiness, told me about her two abortions and presented the option to me. I was so unhappy that I had become pregnant and thought that it would not fit in with my plan to leave the marriage, so I decided on my own — with no open conversation with my husband — to have an abortion. I told him I did not want to have a baby and he arranged for the procedure.
Neither of us probably realized the impact of what we had planned: he to arrange it at a clinic and me to go through with it. I felt little emotion. Emotion had all been used up by my selfish unhappiness.
Afterward, there was a feeling of freedom until reality began to sink into my life. I wanted to be independent and not need anyone. In some ways, that is how I have led my life. Alone.
It would have been good perhaps to have a life partner and to share joy and happiness of a child with him, but I was never able to think that way. The urge to become a mother seemed foreign to me as I went through life. I happened to have few friends who had babies and rarely was around children though it seemed like something I wanted to do. I once held a baby at a wedding party and it was a beautiful and precious moment in time which I will never forget. Yes — at that moment, I wanted the feeling of cradling a little one of my own in my arms.
Now, at the end of my years, I want to tell all young women and young men contemplating using abortion as birth control (as it had been described) or acting upon it for some other reason: Don’t do it. You will be sorry forever.
I don’t know how I could one day welcome a child I killed or how that sweet child could ever welcome me, its mother. I believe God’s love covers all but there is always a price to pay for wrongdoing. And I believe what I did was wrong.
God forgive me, please… Baby forgive me, please. I am sorry. I never had a second chance that I know of. If I had tried, perhaps I could have helped create one but I never did.
It’s a lonely life without children to love you when you get older. I hope my message will help someone avoid living their life with this huge regret.
Editor’s Note: If you are struggling with abortion regret, please visit HopeAfterAbortion.com or Rachel’s Vineyard.
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