Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this guest post are solely those of the guest author.
As sure as death and taxes, you can count on a certain subset of society bursting into flames whenever someone has the audacity to say the quiet part out loud about “traditional” roles and desires of men and women — namely, the reality that women might find more satisfaction in being wives and mothers than CEOs and “girl bosses.” Or that men are an essential part of society and family, and that the word “masculine” doesn’t always equal “toxic.”
The fire-starter this week was Harrison Butker’s commencement speech at Benedictine College, a university that shares his Catholic faith. In his 20-minute speech, Butker dared to make such controversial claims to the women such as, “Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world.”
In response, you could almost hear some in the media start screaming, “I’m melting, I’m melting!” Mike Freeman from USA Today called Butker’s speech ugly and said his comments were an “extremist, Neanderthalic view of the world.” An article on Touchdownwire added this ‘helpful’ observation just days after Mother’s Day: “‘Homemaker’ can also align as ‘woman who has no control of her own financial circumstances.’” The author, Doug Farrar, went on to explain elements of abusive relationships, as though this is the norm in the breadwinner/homemaker dynamic, rather than the exception.
I’m grateful that these two men would take the time to explain to me how my role as a mother and a homemaker is an abusive, toxic, and demeaning situation. I had no idea. I thought that when I dialed back work to be more present with my children, I was playing the most critical role in raising up the next generation of leaders, volunteers, lawyers, teachers, doctors, and artists by being the primary person to teach them kindness, self-control, hard work, and discipline. I didn’t realize that when I kissed their skinned knees, made sure holidays were filled with special moments, or whispered, “I’m proud of you,” even when they failed, I was actually perpetuating a cave-man alterworld.
READ: Super Bowl champ Harrison Butker torches Biden’s ‘support for the murder of innocent babies’
Motherhood and careers are not mutually exclusive, and most of us women find satisfaction in a blend of the two. I’ve worked for the better part of my kids’ lives, in varying capacities. Most of my friends do as well. But if we were forced to pick which part consistently brings us more fulfillment, I would put all my money on motherhood to win across the board.
Is that such a surprise? On any given day, a mother gets to be a nurse, a teacher, an artist, an engineer, a cook, a gardener, and a diplomat. We are stretched emotionally and intellectually, and though the short term leaves us feeling frazzled and exhausted (ask me how I know), it’s undeniable that this day-to-day business of creating homes and shaping little hearts and minds is where we will have the most long-term and far-reaching impact of our lives.
For decades, feminists have pushed the narrative that motherhood is a fall-back kind of role, second in value and meaning to a competitive salary and corner office. Plan your parenthood around your dreams, they say, never realizing that for a majority of women, babies are a big part of the dream.
And the truth is, society would crumble in an instant if homemakers disappeared tomorrow.
That is both a daunting and thrilling reality. No career forces me to face my own shortcomings, selfishness, and inadequacies like motherhood. No paying job has pushed me to my limit mentally, emotionally, and physically like carrying, birthing, and raising five kids. And no promotion or public recognition has given me as much deep satisfaction as a child squeezing me hard and whispering, “I love you,” or a baby falling asleep in my arms after a long day of meltdowns.
It is my role as a mother that has made me more of an interesting human, a dynamic woman, and an effective employee. As the recently released movie Unsung Hero says, “Family isn’t in the way, they are the way.”
There are a myriad of different ways a home can be built, but it remains the most powerful training ground for shaping character, values, and ultimately, society. Championing women to pursue that isn’t backward, it’s both prudent and caring.
In the documentary, Birthgap, featured at the Chelsea Film Festival in 2021, several women heartbreakingly admit that they long for children they don’t have. For a myriad of reasons, they waited too long to find a partner or pursue having children. Not because they didn’t want children. When surveyed, 94% of females between the ages of 15-44 years of age said that the rewards of parenting outweighed the work or cost of raising kids. So when culture disparages motherhood and props up the lie that a career must come before a family, the result is going to be a slew of broken hearts.
Why did Butker’s comments cause such an outrage? Because they fly in the face of decades of women being told that relationships and family are interchangeable with casual relationships and power suits. And it’s maddening for some that despite all the efforts to destroy a woman’s maternal instinct or downplay her role in the home, many women will still prioritize their children over their careers. Look no further than Emily Blunt, who openly stepped back from acting last year to spend more time with her kids.
For all the sweeping generalities and knee-jerk reactions coming from Butker’s critics, a careful listen will tell you the truth: he never said women should not work, that all women should go back to the kitchen, or that men need to take back power and rule with an iron-hand.
He said what many of us find true in our daily lives: children are the good stuff of life, men matter, and a woman can delight in marriage and family without it taking anything away from who she is or what she’s capable of.
Butker’s critics can sign all the petitions to have him canceled and kicked out of the NFL, but the evidence bears out his argument: women in traditional gender roles report higher levels of happiness. Adamantly telling women they are happier with a cubicle for a life partner than a husband and children simply isn’t making it so.
As for the emotional tantrums, shallow intellect, and sweeping assumptions from Butker’s critics? They probably needed a nap or a snack before firing off a response. That always seems to work for my toddler.
Bio: Joanna Hyatt is an author, international speaker, and mom of five. She has spent nearly 20 years in fundraising and non-profit work.
