On a recent episode of the Godsplaining podcast, Sr. Bethany Madonna, a member of the Sisters of Life religious order which ministers to abortion-vulnerable and post-abortive women across the United States and Canada, shared the pro-life approach that helps more than a thousand women each year choose life amidst tremendously challenging circumstances.
A new pro-life approach to crisis pregnancy
The Sisters of Life gently and boldly invite the women they encounter into a new way of seeing an unplanned pregnancy — a way of expectant hope that makes room for miracles, and admits the possibility of something beautiful coming from what many feel is a life in ashes. “Sometimes women have this experience [of unplanned pregnancy] and they’re like ‘oh my gosh, I can’t believe this happened to me,’” Sr. Bethany Madonna said. “And it’s almost like the Lord is showing her in some way, ‘I’m here. I’m here in this circumstance, I’m here in this situation. And I trust you. I want another to experience your love. I think it’s good. I want better for you and more for you, and here’s a treasured gift I’m entrusting to you.”
She clarified, “That takes time, obviously, for a woman to receive that, because the concept of being a mother can be so shattering to her identity. But [it’s important] to recognize that the Lord is present and loving and wanting to be present in that circumstance.”
Miracles every day
Sr. Bethany Madonna addressed the “miracle stories” the sisters witness every day. “I think of one woman who found out she was pregnant, and she’d already suffered an abortion,” she said. “She never wanted to go through that again — it was such an agonizing experience, but she didn’t think she could have this child.” The woman, pseudonymed ‘Jenna,’ worried that the sisters would abandon her like so many people in her life had previously done. In response, the sisters offered to connect her with another woman whom they accompanied through an unplanned pregnancy.
During the phone conversation the sisters set up, the older woman told Jenna, “God chose you for this baby, and that’s so special.” Jenna went on to carry her child to term, and she told the sisters after the baby was born that the next time a young woman was considering abortion, she wanted to be the one to speak to her.
READ: An unplanned pregnancy led to a lifetime pro-life partnership
Sr. Bethany Madonna related how, within a month, another pregnant teen in crisis contacted them. The young girl’s parents told her she had ruined her life by getting pregnant, and her boyfriend told her he’d kill himself if she had the baby. “Listen, I’ve made both decisions, and not a day goes by that I don’t think about that first baby,” Jenna told her. “Don’t do this according to what everyone else is telling you, because they move on the next day and you have to live it. You have to go with your heart.”
That second girl chose to make an adoption plan.
“Our own experiences, our own pain, our own sin even — once it’s given to the Lord, once we’ve experienced mercy and healing — we actually have a new authority when we’re talking to others because we’ve been through a journey,” Sr. Bethany Madonna said. Similarly, she sees the ways that healing from alcoholism, pornography addiction, and more can be a gift given to others as well.
How to accompany others through brokenness
Asked how pro-lifers and others can accompany friends, family, or total strangers through a journey of deep suffering, Sr. Bethany Madonna affirmed the appropriateness of “accompanying” rather than trying to fix the other person. Accompanying, she said, means “I’m with you, I’m staying with you, we’re together.” She readily admitted, “There are times where I want to guide someone to actual professional help, or I do think that they might need something beyond what I can give, and it would be at their service to encourage them to reach out for that.”
Speaking directly to the Sisters of Life’s method, she explained, “We delight in her, which is a little counterintuitive because it’s almost like ‘ok, here she is in a crisis,’ and you’re like ‘Oh no! What do we do?’” Instead, “I’m not in a crisis. I have time for you. I have room for you.” A sister might ask, “‘Are you hungry? Have you had lunch? Let’s make lunch.’ We could talk for hours about other things besides the pregnancy because we don’t need to zero in on it. I care about her and I care about her heart, and I just want to hear what’s going on.”
Allowing women to ‘empty the bucket’
The next part of the method may seem counterintuitive — but it involves doing nothing. “We reflectively listen,” Sr. Bethany Madonna said. “I receive what she says, and I don’t put in my two cents and say ‘oh, you know what you need to do?’ Or ‘let me talk about me for just a second and my story, because I think it would help.’ Sometimes [sharing our own story] doesn’t allow the person to really reveal what their need is. There is a time and a place for advice, and there is a time and place for sharing our story, but that might be after the initial receiving and just responding like ‘wow, that sounds really hard, can you share more about that?’ or ‘If you’re comfortable, do you mind explaining why that’s such a difficulty for you?’”
The sisters call this practice of reflective listening “emptying the bucket.”
READ: Seven former abortionists reveal the moment they became pro-life
“That experience of someone willingly entering into my suffering with me — my fear, my regret, my pain — sitting with me, loving me in it,” she continued. “That is extremely healing. I don’t even necessarily need to give advice sometimes, because they’ve gotten it and they have a sense of what they need to do, because they had the space and the validation of somebody being with me in it.”
Incorporating your own story and experience
After the woman’s own feelings have been validated, Sr. Bethany Madonna said a pro-life counselor can begin sharing their own story, or incorporating their own feelings. “There is a time and a place where it might be appropriate to share your story,” she said. “It also might also be appropriate just for you to use your own knowledge and not share it, but speak with authority, having walked that walk. It might not be helpful for them to know that you have a similar experience, or that something even more painful happened to you. That might throw them off, or suddenly they don’t know if they’re supposed to minister to you. Speaking from your own experience, [you might say] ‘I know how painful this is and sometimes the experience is shame or betrayal or hatred or whatever it is.’ Maybe I’ll just say ‘Do you sense a bitterness in yourself at being betrayed?’ And they’re like ‘Yeah, that’s exactly what I feel’ and they’re not really sure how you knew that. But I don’t need to go into ‘yeah, one time I was totally betrayed.’”
She added, “I use my own brokenness to speak words of comfort and words of affirmation, and sometimes words with a directive… but I don’t necessarily have to say where that’s coming from.”
Over 30 years ago, the Sisters of Life were founded in New York City. Now they serve women in New York, Pennsylvania, Washington (D.C.), Colorado, Arizona, and even in Canada (Toronto). They seek to help each person they meet regain their understanding of being valuable, sacred, an unrepeatable gift from God.
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