Toni Weisz experienced a troubled childhood. She started drinking at age 12 and became sexually active at 16. She once thought she was pregnant, but it turned out to be a false alarm. But Weisz’s promiscuous lifestyle would soon catch up with her, causing her to abort her first child at the age of 21.
Weisz told Live Action News, “My ungodly behavior got me kicked out of college in New Jersey, so I eventually transferred to a university in Ohio, started dating a man and got pregnant. I had been living a double life — a quiet, compliant girl at home, but covertly, was a sexually immoral young woman who abused alcohol and started dropping acid at 17.”
A destructive lifestyle leads to abortion
When she discovered she was pregnant, Weisz told herself her child would be born severely deformed due to her lifestyle. She knew her parents would be bitterly disappointed to learn what she’d been doing in secret.
“I would have a lot of explaining to do,” Weisz said. “I talked to my college roommate who had an abortion, and she told me it was no big deal.”
Yet for Weisz, who struggled with depression and self-loathing most of her life, the trauma of abortion would push her deeper into despair.
Weisz said, “I had often felt invisible while growing up; the girl who didn’t have a voice. Nobody knew of my struggles. I tried to drown how I felt with alcohol, drugs, and sex which had led me to this moment.”
When she told her boyfriend about the pregnancy, he was noncommittal; whatever she decided, he said, would be fine with him.
“He didn’t fight for our child,” Weisz said. “So, one day, I drove myself to an abortion clinic in Cleveland. But I stopped to get breakfast to help ease the hangover I had. When I arrived at the clinic, I was told I couldn’t have the abortion because I had previously eaten.”
Dejected, Weisz traveled home for Thanksgiving, still hiding her pregnancy – or so she thought. While there, Weisz’s mother suddenly asked her, “Guess who’s pregnant?”
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Weisz said, “I was dumbfounded as to how my mother found out. But to my relief, I learned it was my aunt who was expecting a child.”
Still, Weisz felt pressure to “take care” of her pregnancy before her secret came out. It was in December when Weisz was in her second trimester, that she once again scheduled the abortion — and this time, her boyfriend drove her to the facility.
“I just didn’t understand the magnitude of the decision to end my pregnancy,” Weisz said. “I was so disconnected from my own emotions. For years, I had stuffed every feeling I had deep inside and allowed others to manipulate and control me.”
She recalled sitting with other women after the surgical procedure and felt the aura of sadness that permeated the dark and lonely room.
Weisz said, “Whenever I would see a baby on TV or someone holding a baby, I would cry uncontrollably. My grades plunged and I had to take a semester off to grapple with the trauma I had experienced after my abortion. I found it exceedingly difficult to function.”
Surrendering to Jesus spurs a mission to help post-abortive women
Thirteen years later, Weisz had married her boyfriend and had two other children. Her depression was so overwhelming that she often struggled to get off the couch. Suicidal thoughts taunted her.
“I just couldn’t pretend anymore that everything was okay,” Weisz said. “I needed to do something. Binge drinking and waking up on the bathroom floor was a common occurrence. I had tried secular counseling to no avail. Something had to give.”
At the time, her husband was attending a Baptist church and frequently listened to Christian radio. One day, Weisz decide to go with him, and for the first time, heard the Gospel.
Weisz said, “I learned about Jesus and started running toward him. I felt Jesus wooing me, calling to me. Within a month of attending this church, I was asked if I was saved. I went home and start journaling and gave my life to Jesus.”
Overwhelmed by the love of Jesus, Weisz found a desire to absorb more of His Word. Yet the enemy whispered incessantly in her ear about her unworthiness, telling her she couldn’t be forgiven for her abortion and that what she had done had been too shameful.
“Then I heard a pastor on the radio say that God is a not a liar, that He’s always truthful,” Weisz said. “That means God can forgive me for my abortion.”
She enrolled in the Bible Institute where she earned a degree, then began taking Christian counseling classes. During this time, she prayed continuously for God to reveal her mission.
Weisz said, “While in a Sunday school class on Sanctity of Human Life Sunday, the teacher asked, ‘what is God calling you to do?’ I felt God calling me to help other women heal from abortion.”
But Weisz’s husband wasn’t so convinced. He advised her to volunteer in the nursery, so she did. But she couldn’t escape the conviction the Holy Spirit had put on her heart. “I told my husband I had to obey God,” Weisz said.
She decided to volunteer at the local pregnancy help center, but was first required to complete an abortion recovery program.
During that time, it was as if a floodgate had opened, and all the pain that had been bottled up for years came rushing out, forcing her to face, for the first time, the root causes of her destructive behavior that led to her abortion.
Weisz said, “I had been blinded, but now I could see. God revealed to me that my child had been a boy. Yes, abortion destroys a woman’s soul, but God offers redemption. He can put the pieces back together and make everything beautiful for His glory.”
She knew what she was called to do. Weisz launched her ministry, “My Ashes to Beauty,” an online abortion and abuse recovery group that offers Christ-centered virtual mentoring and discipleship.
“I am privileged to walk with women in their healing journey,” Weisz said. “Whatever door God opens for me, that is the door I will always go through.”
