After a traumatic fourth birth, I didn’t want another baby. But God knew I needed her.

The following was submitted to Live Action News as an anonymous guest post. 

My fourth birth was ‘brutal,’ in the words of my midwife, and my son was taken to NICU in respiratory distress. He was back to back and I thought the pain would kill me. I pushed him out in one push because I thought it would save me from dying. When they took him away, full term but not breathing, I thought he was dying also.

I struggled every which way to recover from his birth and while he was my balm in the storm, the panic and terror raged continuously for years and I was eventually diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder.

My husband had TWO vasectomies to prevent me from ever having to go through it again. Six years into therapy I fell impossibly pregnant and I was hysterical with terror about giving birth again.

READ: My pregnancy wasn’t planned, but it was the best thing to happen to me

I was offered an abortion but instead I asked everyone if they would support me. My doctor agreed, my family gathered around, my husband scooped me up, I was given a caesarean section, a private room, extra nurses on hand and my friends showered me with love.

Today our daughter is almost three years old and she is the light of our lives. She is stubborn and determined and a warrior, and she is mine. I did it. Physically I am still recovering because my back is damaged. My degree is on hold because the pregnancy interrupted it. Financially things are tight and our house is way too small for a fifth child.

But I gave her life and she gave me back mine.

She also gave everyone around me an opportunity to be awesome, and isn’t that what makes us better people?

Thank you, God, for my beautiful gift. You knew I needed her more than I could have ever imagined.

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